nothing like spending it with friends drinking tanduay mixed with condensed milk, milo and coffe.

and nothing like bashing away crips on a by now, hazy screen.

i love alcohol and dota. ;)

welcome, last year of being a teenager.

i felt like a budding teenager as he tugged at my hand toward the dark floors above. i protested, "kasab-an ta dinha oi. nya ngitngit kaayo" but he just broadened his grin and pulled stronger.

( ZeP )

for the first time in more almost two years, i can say that im happy. :)
oh sure the empty inside pit tugs a bit now and then but thats it.

i enjoy going out alone and quiet think i have a lot of friends who are sooo delighted on my company. ive gained my self confidence back and the need to impress anybody is gone. im feel so contented. ;)

last saturday i attended a small downtown gig all alone and enjoyed thumping along the music all by myself. ;)
(i spotted tsak in the crowd but as usual i was too shy to say hi cause shes so popular ;))

after that, drunk beer with my ex and his friends and wasnt at all uncomfortable or showy and my laugh hearthfelt.

finally had the courage to break up with Jeff and tell him face to face that i didnt really like him the way he liked me and that i hate using him. he hasnt cooled down yet but i know we'll be friends soon.

ive met someone i really like... hihihi ;) oooooooh! hes got dreads and looks and talks so sweet. we text and chat a lot and oooh i can tell he likes me too. ;) and he calls me only because he "cant help it". ;) hes as sweet as suger. ;)

i dont check Charles friendster profile mad keen of looking for anything to be bitter about. i dont check his profile at all anymore. i dont get tempted to text him anymore and no i dont think i can say i love him still. sure i still can see him when i close my eyes and think of sex but thats only because i dont have anybody else to think about--yet. ;)

i fall asleep quite instantly nowadays. and i have come to like listening to bisrock just because they sound fun. ;) ive spent a lot of time with my family and had made it a point to talk to my sisters before sleeping. :)

yes... im... starting fresh and new. refreshed and restarted all the way through! ;)

i have been assaulted by raging hormones, albeit armed with double bashers and a demon edge, rampaging to make me as horny as i have never felt before.

i apologize, if need be, if i appalled (definetely not shocked) you of my last several posts. i have seem to have lost what little i have of decency. yes, i could be such a whore sometimes most of the time.

i cannot tribute this... development to anything else expect my almost three months of not having it. also, though i have long since shunned phonesex, the sexiest of phonesex partners have seemed to have avalanched into me, giving me the last needed push to... "let it go".

still, now that i have cooled down a measure, i sing high praises to the fates, for not allowing me to commit anything that could have given those snoty noosy chickas another reason to call me a bitch.

"Excuse me but youre sitting on my spot," i announced, meaning the angle formed by huge horizontal amd vertical metal tubes which made up the waiting shed. loud music rung through out the avenue.

"really?," he replied looking up. The smile genuinely sweet and regretfully over familiar. His contenance unchanged if not a notch more comfortable in his perch. legs swinging. toes barely touching the ground.

( nobody clicks it anyway )

he holds my hand and leans his head on my shoulder.
he wraps his arms around me while he slept.
he says im fat but oh so hot.
and he likes the way my face looks when he goes on top.





yeah yeah yeah i slept with the guy. and on our first formal date. but no, we hadnt had sex. of course our hands grew minds of their own. and they covered a lot of areas indeed. but we were too busy and contented with just huddling close to think of anything else better to do.

it has been a long time since hes licked me down there.
years.
i was surprised at how warm a tongue and lips felt pressed tight on a hard exposed clit.
was i tempted to push him deeper? i pushed him deeper than i should.
and what better counter attack than a good ramming.

it lasted for an hour.

but the most cherished moment was the crashing of his chest on mine.
sweat mixing. tongues intertwined. my arms streached across his back..


but what to make of his i love you's ?
again he drifts away...
are you thinking of her now? your eyes are not mine...

you dont realise how much you hurt me.

we ripped the the tent's roof so that cold air came rushing in
and then we were literally lying below the stars... they were so close when seen on top of mountains
Burn says... "isnt this nice?"
i nodded and widened my smile...
then he askes... "but admit it. it would be so much better if he's the one with you here now, wouldnt it?"
i closed my eyes and tried memorizing the scene before my eyes...

later that night the fog thickened and the layers of the clothing we piled on our bodies didnt prove to be much use... it was automatic that i press my face to his neck. his arms shoke as they wrapped around my waist
he wispered... "i love you still you know..."
i answered, "i know.. But... Burn, everything that is nice is much nicer when im with him."

no we werent able to wait for saturday night. 2 am is saturday and 2 am was the only time we could hold it. maybe it was his fault for kissing too hard and licking too low. maybe it was my fault for touching him where he said he was throbbing uncontrolably... oh no, on second thought it wasnt my fault at all. how am is to resist if it was pushing againts my stomach, warm and hard? and it definetely wasnt my fault when he said "tilapi, imo bitaw na' [go ahead lick it, its yours anyway]... and damn it when he moans... beats the feeling that i get when i moan myself.

we had the little sanity left then to decide in our minds that we arent going to "cum" then...
but... fingers, they get quiet untamed, they dig deep, and then they get sticky. and before you knew it, theres no turning back.

he had to bring out the foam from the sofa before we "gave up" on our selves. ;)
he said hes not having my ass on that cold table. i was too excited to argue.
and do i need to say its glorious? 7 days! (ok 6 and a half days) we waited. at last!!!

he didnt spurt a meter though. he shot approximately 4 to 5 inches for the first three skwirts followed by five more. it was worth it.

its 7 am in the morning. im right beside him in downtown run down cafe typing away, him click away anhialiting crips. im wearing his shirt and his necklace around my wrist. im smelling of him. and i couldnt possibly be any more happier.

and as sudden as he had barged into my life again just like that.
hes gone again.

do you think its because, this time i let him kiss me before he took the jeepney home?

the moment he went through the door, i pulled him to the big old couch, kneeled between his legs and kissed him. it is always amazing... the confirmation the tongue gives to another tongue... "God, i missed you too"

"youre like a ghost Kuya... there then nowhere, there then nowhere... there then nowhere. sometimes i wonder if im only making you up... You dont realize how crazy i am about you..."

"i do Ate..."

Charles came over yesterday.
He caught me coming out of the bathroom one towel around my hair and the other around my body.
it was a rather small towel and it barely covered everything. i flushed when normally i would have gotten horny.

we watched ETERNAL SUNSHINE IN A SPOTLESS MIND as reccomended by Goatty.
i cried. but he cried harder.
we ate cookies and cream and chocolate monster ice creams in one large bowl. we almost spat all the chocolate out as laughed away on THE HITCHICKERS as reccomnded by Francis.

we went hunting for more vcds at video city.
we kissed while on the jeepney. you should have seen the look on Lola's face.
(kids nowadays huh?) hehehe
we held hands as we battled the colon crowd and hid deep within happy mart when the citom officers came after us.

i was able to squeeze his ass while buried in all those people. fullfilling a long time fetish.
he inturn sqeezed my left boob. Manong stared. we grinned.

we whispered about masturbating to each other while waiting in line at the cashiers.
those girls were envious i know it. more when i giggled too loud. he told me my softness (actually he meant my bilbil) turns him on.

he kissed me goodbye... i moved away. he looked worried. he said... 'im sorry'... i said 'for what?'... he answered.. 'for everything.'
i was silent. i couldnt find a more dramatic thing to say.

'text me' he said as he squeezed my shoulders.
'when?'
he thought for a moment 'everytime you miss me'
i answered 'i miss you everyday'
'then ill expect a text from you everyday'
i grew silent.
'te? text me ok?' the sqeeze was getting painful.

'ill take this jeepney.'
i didnt want to lie.

BUrn finally got around to saying he loved me.
we were walking along the beach... talking about how the sand and the water feels between our toes
and how the stars seem to be so much brighter seeing them from this side of the city
and how.... "Your smile matches everything that is beautiful Yan. Will you be mine?"
and i dont think he believed me when i said it hurt me so to say i cant...
i guese... one cant give something he doesnt have... i dont own me to give anymore...

isnt it strange how we instinctively hide from everyone else during moments when we would have really needed someone? truly we cant follow people to the land of tears.

so i had to finish walking the beach all alone. fished a broken stick when it came to kiss my feet
and so with it i wrote on the sand... "I LOVE YOU STILL"
i stood there staring... waiting for the waves to rise so to erase it... but... unfortunately for me, it was approaching lowtide.

she lowers her body and bends her neck so that her lips barely touches his toe. her lips were soft againts his cold skin and so light that he wonders if it were real.
she let out her tongue and let it flick his knee. He closes his eyes to concentrate on the sweet electricity.
She dares more than she ever had... and he trimbles.

He felt her trimble too... along with the soft strokes her tongue was making... caressing his thigh... bathing the wrinkled patch there... reaching... reaching his deepest crevices... he could die waiting.

her lips grew strong as they tried to part his cheeks and a wetness swallowed his being
and when she openned her mouth to let him in he was surprised at the sensation... she never felt like this before... she wasnt this warm... wasnt this tight... wasnt this giving... wasnt this eager...

she moved so gracefully... she doesnt realize how beautiful she is.. she closed in and squeezed the life out of him... pushing him higher and deeper...

he moans her name as if to beg but she doesnt stop.
no... not until he wets her too... her mouth overflowing...
he watches it trickle down her chin, her neck... until it dissappeared between those soft mountains he knew were his... his...

he wanted to reach down... bring her face to his and kiss her... he knew it was all she wanted all along... a kiss...
but he cant... he cant lie anymore... and she knew that too.

she rested her cheek upon his stomach as she tried to catch her breath.she tries to match her heartbeat with his...but she fails. hers was a lot faster.
he fought the impulse to touch her hair.
she trys to hide a sob. she blinks away tears.
he struggles to pin his hands to the bed.
she whispers his name over and over again.
he wished he was asleep.

message sent:

uhmmm dalion ni naku kay half hour ra raba ka.
sorry ha wala ko kasulti nimo ani kadtong nagkita
ta... siguro ana na dyud na pirmi. close na man
unta ta kaau pero everytime nga magkita ta mura
tag mga strangers...hehe amaw.

ok ra na ang mga problema sa pamilya. niagi sad
ko ug ingon ana. kahibaw ko dili saun...
kahibaw ba ka nga nagbuwag akong mama ug
papa for two years. kadtong two years chaotic
kaau... nagbugno gud mi sa akong papa ato...
hehehe... daku sad kaau ang akong na feel na
kalagot ug kalibog atu...mao bitaw cge mig balhin balhin atow... so... nakasabot ko sa
imong mood towards sa imong mga prob sa balay...

pero dili enough nga rason na para biyaan ko nimo
nga walay sulti sulti...

uhmm... wala sad dyud ko kapangutana nimo ug
tarong about unta sa atong relationship...
besides...klaro na man kaau nga... dili dyud ka
naku... all that time kaulion na diay ka... sorry na
gutom na nuon kag maau.
mura ra man gud kag way nahitabo... hapit na raba
naku mapatay akong kaugalingon atong nawala ra
ka kalit...
gikapoi na man kog atik sa akong kaugalingon wui
nga wala na lagi ko feelings para nimo kay naa pa
man dyud...
pero... gikapoi na sad dyud ko ani akong
sitwasyon... pirmi ra man ko hatag nimo gud... nya
wala man kwenta gihapon para nimo. nahurot na
man gud akong self respect... "puno na sa scars"
sad akong dughan... enough na ang more than two
years nga pagka martyr... i deserve more than
this...
ingon man ni Kenit, "sakit man kaha ang yatakan
ka, di ayaw sugot nga yatakan pa kag balik"...
wala na man sad koy regrets... nahimo na naku
tanan nga pwede buhaton to prove my stand...
syaro... nahatag na naku akong virginity, poured out my heart and cried when i told you i love you,gave up a
husband-to-be and a future, my pride... and a host
of other guys who could have loved me...di na ko
magmahay...

i also wanted to free you... kahibaw ko how
irritating it is to have someone you have absolutely
no like for to follow you around. i know ive said this
a lot of times before pero mao na dyud ni... this is
the last time ill ever waste your time...

tarong na sa skol Kuya...its for your own good. now
is the chance to help out your family and repay
them for everything.youre lucky to have parents like them... show them you love them too. try to be a good son.

hinay sa mga fling. condom na
pirmi.uso and std. pero most importantly, ayaw na
lang usa.save it all for the girl you would really
love.mas nindot ang pakoy nga naay love.that is
why youll always be my favorite pakoy partner. ; )
i hope you find her soon... we all deserve to be
happy... ; )

thank you sa tanan... walay makalabaw sa akong
kalipay pagtilap nmu sa akong sip-op ug pag ingon
nimog "i love you too Ate"... ; ) dili na ko mainlove
pa ug pareha ani... gratefull kaau ko nga nakit-an
tika aning kalibutana.. hehehe dili dyud tika makalimtan... never. kung magkita pa man gani tag balik, say after 10 years, tawaga gihapon kog Ate ha, ikaw gihapon akong Kuya...; )

i love you...and i always will. ; ) goodbye.

bisan kahibaw ka nga naay na siya uyab
padaun kas imong gibati nga kaanyag
magpakintahaytahay ka nga nirespetar ka sa ilang relasyon
pero sa kada away ug buwag nila pirti nimong lipaya

bisan dili na lang gani ka pasudlon sa ilang balay
hasta na lang nuon ikaw mahadlok nga "masakpan"
hala sige adto lang gihapon kada sabado
magpabuntag, bahala na, ok ra basta ka kuyog ka niya

hubgon nimo imong kaugalingon
aron naa ka ikapasangil sa imong kabagag nawng
babay' kang daku! ikaw ang manung!
ngano gud tawn gugmahon ka nga borikat man kang daku!?!

text ka niya kadagabii, way reply
tawag ka kada buntag dili tubagon
message sa friendster ug sa myspace way kwenta!
nya asa lang gihapon ka nga pwede pa mada?

hatag ka sa tanan. tanan dyud! way gibilin sa imong kaugalingon
mura kag basura ilabay nya magdahom lang gihapon nga puniton
labi pas buang nga musugot ra gamiton human gipasakitan
wa' ka makat-on! hatag lang gihapon ka sa tanan

ingon siya "love man sad kaau tika"
lushlush buli! pada sad kas atik!
nitoo sad ka!!! GAGA!
karon unsa man? asa na man siya? di ba nag-inusara man ka?

there is something about Bumbha that makes me think of him for days on end...
we never really had enough time together...

the first time we parted was one of the hardest goodbye i had to say.
it was then when i vowed id never again look on at a leaving back...
you see, i hate goodbyes.

the second... one i did last night... was easier.
maybe because i redied myself a lot more.
maybe becuase i finally kissed him. ;)
on the cheekx... because he currently has a girl.

as we stood by the pier looking out to sea... he asked...
"when i get back Labx... will we do it?"

"depends on the offer," i said with a smile.

"dont worry. ill make you want me too"

so sure... he was so sure. as if he was reading my mind.

i was about to say: "but i already want you too Labx..."

but the tickets came and so the boat had to leave. i embraced and kissed him again.

"ay pa da ha... huwata ko. (wag kang magpapadala. hintayin mo ako.)

i guffawed then, but maybe... i would. ;)

i await your return thou art monster of the darkest realm.
may we... do it... someday.

my first cebuano poem...
writen for our literature class...
the first happy poem in years...


bisan pag dili naku ikagasa ang halapad nga karagatan
ako ang mga gagmay'ng bawd nga muhalok sa imong mga tiil
dili ko panag-iya ang gabii ug bisan na lang ang kangitngit
apan, ako ang kada poste nga magdamlag sa imong karsada

dili ko madakop ang makusog nga bagyo
apan ako ang mahinay nga hangin nga magbaw'n sa imong kahumot
mupapalid sa imong daw tinta nga buhok
ug mupapaisa sa imong nipis nga sayal

dili ako ang adlaw ug ang mga bituon kay ako ang kalangitan
nga maoy magmanman kanimo gumikan sa layo
kay ikaw ang akong usa ka basong bugnaw'ng tubig
taliwa' sa mainit ug uga nga desyerto nga mao ang akong kasingkasing

bow.

im a star.
daig ko pa ata si Kris Aquino kung chismis lang ang pagbabasihan.
grabeng scandal ang nalaman ko lang kahapon.

harou: mea: si Arrianne? bitch man daw na siya. cge man daw na siya panghagad ug pakoy sa mga lalaki.
bitch daw yan siya. palagi daw yan nagyaya ng sex sa mga lalaki.

harou: huh??? sigurado ka?

harou: mea: uu!!! ingon iyang mga friends nga punkista ug mga emo emo.
oo!!! sabi ng mga friends nyang punkista at emo.

ano ba yan... tinuring ko pa na man silang mga tunay na kaibigan...
pokpok lang pala ang tingin nila sakin...

[vindictive rant: ha! ang dami nga iba dyan na siyang nag yaya, tinanggihan ko nga! tapos ako pa ngaun ang nagyayaya! pak yu!]

harou: mea: kana si Pual! iya na daw na gihagad! kana sad si Threshold. pakoy sad na sila.
yan si Pual! niyaya nya yan! tska yan si Threshold. sex din sila nun.

definition of terms: Pual-- skater na minsan nang yumaya sa'kin pero tinanggihan ko.
Threshold-- ang pinaka pangit at pinagsisisihan ko talagang ex na hindi man lang halos nakahalik, kahit sa pisngi ko lang.
Mea-- bloods daw na girl na hindi ko nga kilala!

[desperate consoling of self: waaaaaaa! para na man akong artista. hindi lang pala ako excel sa mga emo na katulad ko. ang aking katanyagan ay kalat pati na sa mga HIPHOP!]

kaya Arrianne... magmula ngaun... behave. ;)

kung tubig ang gugma, dugay na kang nakaon sa mga isda...

traslation:
kung tubig lang ang pag-ibig, matagal ka nang kinain ng mga isda...

there is something about the night...
and the city...
and the way they seem to merge into one...

i would walk through the streets leading to nowhere,
and stare at the blinking lights of the buildings, becoming me so hypnotically that during the nights when i wasnt too careful, id lose myself into them and i wouldnt be able to recover until the sun reigns again on its thrown.

and the air... unsually cool. and the realization kicks you in the face that youre not the only one breathing it in...

i was wearing a mini skirt.

the long trip was humid and the wind a mixture of decay and despair.

but it was this kind of night that i truly welcome. the night that swallowed his front porch but never,can never dim his smile.

and i, caught in the moment, smiled back, my mind racing to the moment we will be in minutes from the now. the scene which looped in my mind... his breath, his lips, his hands, his... love? i wonder if any of them are real...
my legs propped up on either side of him... and i feel the sweat, the moisture, and the urgency, and by god was it urgent! i beg him... but he prolongs the pain. his tongue a sharp cutter......cutting my ears, cutting my cheeks, cutting my chin, my neck,my breats, my body...the sharp edge falling..falling until he was cutting me where i hurt the most...

finally he gives in... and he thrusts inside me. i bit my lip because of the pain that tears the flesh apart. a hint of a moan and he turns into a savage beast, demanding what is due to him...what is due... from me to him... what is due...from me to him.

his essence hangs in the atmosphere... and i,intoxicated, close my eyes.

dont stop.
dont stop.
im almost there.
im almost free.

but the day wakes up too soon. its rays spies. its murmurs threats. and he... he draws outside.

and the pain intensifies... it does not stop with his im-so-sorrys or his kiss-me-good-byes... it worsens.. swallowing me whole...swallowing me alive.

i climed shaky stairs to the third floor of a quiet building... most of the stores have long been closed and i feel like a ghost coming into a empty household waiting to be haunted by me...

i opened the heavy door and i saw a girl whos hair seemed uncombed for years, wearing a shirt which undoubtedly was on its second day under the dust and sun, and a week old pair of chucks which doesnt at all look like their age...
i hate mirrors...

i pulled out my towel and held it under the running water... and i shiver...

i stared at my nakedness and i thought... who could ever love such a whore?

i bit my cracked lips and i tasted blood...

i scrubbed my face...neck...and breasts...but i can never never rid my head of this urgency...
im a nymphomaniac trapped in this too emo heart...

i close my eyes as cold water kissed my cheeks and suddenly there i was looking right at his angry face again...until tears washed away the vision...

soap cascaded down down the sink... and i touch my face tentatively...awed at the knowledge that there exist eyes which never ran out of rain...

flooding...flooding me...with pain...

this is all my fault... all my fault...